So I made cupcakes today and they were supposed to be soft fluffy white cake with a beautiful rich mocha frosting.... I made the mistake of substituting brown for white sugar and using shortening in place of the butter. Needless to say, my cupcakes are beige-ish and have the texture of carrot cake... The icing was also a flop. I followed the instructions to the letter and the icing was so liquidy that I was forced to DIP my cupcakes into it. Needless to say I am not pleased with anything that is coming out of my oven today. Therefore, I have made the executive decision that the chicken for tonight will be cooked via crock pot.
In other news I am apparently going to a bar this friday, just wahoo's nothing fancy, and am having a bash thrown in honor of my 22 orbit around the sun. I believe the hubby is just planning something small, just a couple people over here to have some drinks and chill. I really wanted a Pinata but I sincerely doubt that will happen. I just wanted to get drunk and beat the living shit outta something that is social appropriate to beat. Oh well. At least I can get drunk, attempt to play warcraft with Cody and them engage in the highly dangerous sport of drunken baking! I am thinking I will start out with making something ridiculous like chocolate mousse served in an edible cup... Very fun. It involves balloons (which I pee myself everytime they pop) and something that makes it even more risky, molten chocolate!!!!! WOOOOOHOOOO
I am really thinking I need a new hobby. Baking gets expensive, painting gets messy and working out just failed miserably. Can't stand getting sweaty and flushed... too much work. Facecrack is getting exceptionally boring, and that's more of an addiction then a hobby. Iunno, I just feel like taking up a new activity could be beneficial =)
Will write more later, smoke time now!
Wednesday, 14 September 2011
Saturday, 10 September 2011
Blogging Around
Funny Quotes, LOL Quotes, Funny Quotes Graphics, Funny Sayings (clipped to polyvore.com)
Texting (clipped to polyvore.com)
seaweed brain ♥ (clipped to polyvore.com)
Funny Quotes, LOL Quotes, Funny Quotes Graphics, Funny Sayings (clipped to polyvore.com)
By Heidi! USEEE (clipped to polyvore.com)
(11) Tumblr (clipped to polyvore.com)
Wednesday, 7 September 2011
Update
You know, I always thought that being "drug free" and sober would suck, but now that I have surpassed my 1 year mark, I am truly finding a level of clarity in the world. Now I do want to point out that "sober" refers to anything that is not pot, mushrooms or booze. I cannot imagine how I lived through my addiction like I did; the only time I was happy was when I was rolling, tripping, high or tweaked. I look back on my life then and wonder how I even managed to function, what I looked like to other people. Then my friend showed me a movie called "Spun" as we watched it, I noticed some startling similarities between myself and one of the characters, and a even more upsetting correlation between her relationship and mine. I shook it off and kept watching, and not 5 minutes later my best friend looked at me laughing and said, "They remind me of you and your ex!" My heart sunk. I never knew I looked so pathetic and helpless, like someone spinning out of control and not even able to take care of themselves. I was a reject.
I think the only thing I held onto in that time was my family, the fact that my grandparents, my aunts, uncle, had stood there ground and refused to abandon me. Even after my mother had given up coming to my aid and had barred me from her life. I was still someone worth trying for in their eyes, something worth saving, and I am sure my mother felt the same way, she just couldn't cope with what I was doing to myself and my life.
After I got clean I didn't think I would ever want to talk about it with anyone. I was ashamed of what I had become, but the more I talked and felt like shit, the more I realized I need to talk. I needed the world to know how shitty I had felt, and that I had fixed myself. I wanted to be proud that I was able to do things for me without holding onto someone else. My body bares the scars of my addiction, but my heart has never been this free.
Whenever I feel judged or looked down on for those years I will tell that person, I beat bulimia, drug addiction and I fight (and win) a battle every day with depression and agoraphobia. I am strong, stronger than someone who can look down there nose at someone who has made mistakes. I can do anything I want and I will be who ever I want. My past is bygone and my future is splayed out in front of me, waiting for me to step into it.
I have no regrets.
I think the only thing I held onto in that time was my family, the fact that my grandparents, my aunts, uncle, had stood there ground and refused to abandon me. Even after my mother had given up coming to my aid and had barred me from her life. I was still someone worth trying for in their eyes, something worth saving, and I am sure my mother felt the same way, she just couldn't cope with what I was doing to myself and my life.
After I got clean I didn't think I would ever want to talk about it with anyone. I was ashamed of what I had become, but the more I talked and felt like shit, the more I realized I need to talk. I needed the world to know how shitty I had felt, and that I had fixed myself. I wanted to be proud that I was able to do things for me without holding onto someone else. My body bares the scars of my addiction, but my heart has never been this free.
Whenever I feel judged or looked down on for those years I will tell that person, I beat bulimia, drug addiction and I fight (and win) a battle every day with depression and agoraphobia. I am strong, stronger than someone who can look down there nose at someone who has made mistakes. I can do anything I want and I will be who ever I want. My past is bygone and my future is splayed out in front of me, waiting for me to step into it.
I have no regrets.
Tuesday, 6 September 2011
Birthday month!
So I will be 22 in a few days... I am beginning to feel pretty old. I am however beginning to feel wiser, not that it's always a good thing. I find myself feeling like I have taken a step beyond some of my friends and it's getting lonely this far ahead. Sometimes, it's as if I leave someone behind every year that I get old and like for every friend I leave in the distance, someone is doing the same for me. So many of my friends are getting married or moving towards getting their education finished and I have barely scratched the surface.
There seems like so much time ahead of me and plenty of years in my past. Often, I find myself wondering how I ever wished to be an adult. I miss highschool and all the shenanigans I got up to! (Not to mention the lack of bills, responsibility and rent!) I can't imagine anything better than going back to those days.
However there is plenty to look forward to. My next pay, regardless of what ever I want, I WILL be marching into Loyalist college and starting my criminal psychology course. If I don't I want someone to drag me in there kicking and screaming if needs be. I need to get started so that in January I can start my nursing program, apply for OSAP and get into school. I will achieve my dreams and become everything that I want.
For the longest time, I wanted to do what everyone else wanted me to, wanted to be the perfect daughter, niece, grandchild, but now I can see, quite clearly, that to do that I need to be me first. There is an obligation to oneself to grow and evolve before you think of others needs and wants.
There is a lot in my future that I need to work on, a lot of things I need to focus my attention to, but right now it is school. Keeping my eyes ahead and wearing blinders will do my no good, so I will have to learn to balance my attentions, but my main goal is within reach and once I stop over thinking it, I can reach out and take it.
In other news I would like to wish a Happy birthday to my beloved Uncle, who I am sure can't be any older than 25. And I would like him to know that he is more than just my uncle and mentor, he is my friend. That is something that can't magically happen, but something that is earned through mutual love, honesty and respect. I am glad he is there for me and I will try my best to be there for him. So to the avid reader of my blog, devils advocate at all the cottage debates and by far the funniest drunken wrestler I have ever met, here it to you!
There seems like so much time ahead of me and plenty of years in my past. Often, I find myself wondering how I ever wished to be an adult. I miss highschool and all the shenanigans I got up to! (Not to mention the lack of bills, responsibility and rent!) I can't imagine anything better than going back to those days.
However there is plenty to look forward to. My next pay, regardless of what ever I want, I WILL be marching into Loyalist college and starting my criminal psychology course. If I don't I want someone to drag me in there kicking and screaming if needs be. I need to get started so that in January I can start my nursing program, apply for OSAP and get into school. I will achieve my dreams and become everything that I want.
For the longest time, I wanted to do what everyone else wanted me to, wanted to be the perfect daughter, niece, grandchild, but now I can see, quite clearly, that to do that I need to be me first. There is an obligation to oneself to grow and evolve before you think of others needs and wants.
There is a lot in my future that I need to work on, a lot of things I need to focus my attention to, but right now it is school. Keeping my eyes ahead and wearing blinders will do my no good, so I will have to learn to balance my attentions, but my main goal is within reach and once I stop over thinking it, I can reach out and take it.
In other news I would like to wish a Happy birthday to my beloved Uncle, who I am sure can't be any older than 25. And I would like him to know that he is more than just my uncle and mentor, he is my friend. That is something that can't magically happen, but something that is earned through mutual love, honesty and respect. I am glad he is there for me and I will try my best to be there for him. So to the avid reader of my blog, devils advocate at all the cottage debates and by far the funniest drunken wrestler I have ever met, here it to you!
Friday, 5 August 2011
Missing time....
Here is the blog I did up while I was offline and off the grid for a few days =P
Sorry, it's been a while, but I've been a busy girl. Mostly trying to work on my relationship. It seems as though the harder I try to go through the motions of working through fights and annoyances we inflicted upon each other, the more we fight.
I have given him a one month deadline before I make a final decision. I am getting really upset, I just want to be able to come home and spend a day nearby my boyfriend and not end up in a screaming match. I love him, and I know he loves me, I just worry that we are just incompatible. Maybe love isn't enough for us. I have no objections to staying together if we can work it out, however, if we can't work it out, I look forward to being a single gal.
In other news, I attended my best friends wedding reception. It was dancing, smoking and eating. I spent most of my night sitting silently contemplating. It almost felt like I was watching my best friend get farther and farther away. I almost broke down and cried.... I know he has been married for a while, but that was so sudden. As I sat listening to his speech, him telling his new wife how much he loved her, it all sank in. Don't get me wrong, his wife is amazing, she is smart, funny, pretty and she is competely right for him. You couldn't ask for a more perfect couple. They laugh together and she makes him smile, and of course I am happy for them. I just am so used to being the woman in his life. I used to make him laugh, I used to spend all my time talking to him, and now I worry that I won't have him there when I need him.
Paranoid, I know. However, I know how relationships can.... Oh, what's the word.... infringe... on friendships. I am not willing to let go of Bryan completely, he is MY best friend after all, however, I am going to give over my usual spotlight.
In other news, I am super pissed off at Ky. I have never met a more selfish person. She has treated me like something that can be used to suit her purposes. I went over and cleaned her house whenever she wanted to "hangout." Hell, there were even fucking times when I cleaned her mother's house. Whenever she needed help with anything, I was there. I helped her pack up and move from trenton to belleville. I paid extra for my hair supplies so she could use the leftovers on other people. I even used to wait ridiculous amounts of time for her to do my hair and even helped her do other peoples colour and washes while she waited.
She had the nerve to try to tell my boyfriend that I was being the bitch. Well, I am sorry that I was so helpful and that I got sick and fucking tired of being your puppet. I didn't want to be her tool for pleasing mummy anymore so I moved on. Apparently that made her decide to freak out. She accused me of only being her friend for rides.... Funny part is, that she only gave me rides to places she wanted to go. (ie. cottage, her mom's house, grocery store.) I am maddeningly frustrated that she is being so rude and unapologetic. She bitched out on helping me out with my move, and spent the day ignoring all my texts and bbm's. I hate that she would blow me off like that and the fact that she could even go that far to hurt me. As if it wasn't good enough for her to get off scott free using me, she had to ignore the one time I ask her for help.
Worst part is that not a month before hand she was giving me backlash over my decision to take Marra back into my life and rekindle our friendship. She told me that she was mad at how badly Marra treated me and how I would just end up with a knife in my back. I couldn't help but wonder at the time if she was right, if I was doing the wrong thing. I mean if someone who claimed to be one of my bestfriends, was telling me that I was making a huge mistake and that they didn't want me to be hurt again. Then I realized that the only reason she was so mad is because she wouldn't be able to have my undivide attention and thusly, wouldn't be able to have me do her bidding.
I am bored to death. I have exhausted all my options as far as entertainment. I am home with heat stroke. I went to the beach yesterday and got my tan on. We also spent hours in the water. I have a gorgeous brown tan though, it was a very very bad burn yesterday though. I even made some very tastey brownies =D They were delicious and even had a proper glaze on them ^.^ I was so proud of myself for making them.
Oh and in other news, I quit the boathouse and went back to stream, I am in streamline as of now and will hopefully be working towards hitting TCO within 3 months or Lazyjet..... either way they offer me a chance to work week days and to do something different ^.^
That's all for now! Cheers!
Sorry, it's been a while, but I've been a busy girl. Mostly trying to work on my relationship. It seems as though the harder I try to go through the motions of working through fights and annoyances we inflicted upon each other, the more we fight.
I have given him a one month deadline before I make a final decision. I am getting really upset, I just want to be able to come home and spend a day nearby my boyfriend and not end up in a screaming match. I love him, and I know he loves me, I just worry that we are just incompatible. Maybe love isn't enough for us. I have no objections to staying together if we can work it out, however, if we can't work it out, I look forward to being a single gal.
In other news, I attended my best friends wedding reception. It was dancing, smoking and eating. I spent most of my night sitting silently contemplating. It almost felt like I was watching my best friend get farther and farther away. I almost broke down and cried.... I know he has been married for a while, but that was so sudden. As I sat listening to his speech, him telling his new wife how much he loved her, it all sank in. Don't get me wrong, his wife is amazing, she is smart, funny, pretty and she is competely right for him. You couldn't ask for a more perfect couple. They laugh together and she makes him smile, and of course I am happy for them. I just am so used to being the woman in his life. I used to make him laugh, I used to spend all my time talking to him, and now I worry that I won't have him there when I need him.
Paranoid, I know. However, I know how relationships can.... Oh, what's the word.... infringe... on friendships. I am not willing to let go of Bryan completely, he is MY best friend after all, however, I am going to give over my usual spotlight.
In other news, I am super pissed off at Ky. I have never met a more selfish person. She has treated me like something that can be used to suit her purposes. I went over and cleaned her house whenever she wanted to "hangout." Hell, there were even fucking times when I cleaned her mother's house. Whenever she needed help with anything, I was there. I helped her pack up and move from trenton to belleville. I paid extra for my hair supplies so she could use the leftovers on other people. I even used to wait ridiculous amounts of time for her to do my hair and even helped her do other peoples colour and washes while she waited.
She had the nerve to try to tell my boyfriend that I was being the bitch. Well, I am sorry that I was so helpful and that I got sick and fucking tired of being your puppet. I didn't want to be her tool for pleasing mummy anymore so I moved on. Apparently that made her decide to freak out. She accused me of only being her friend for rides.... Funny part is, that she only gave me rides to places she wanted to go. (ie. cottage, her mom's house, grocery store.) I am maddeningly frustrated that she is being so rude and unapologetic. She bitched out on helping me out with my move, and spent the day ignoring all my texts and bbm's. I hate that she would blow me off like that and the fact that she could even go that far to hurt me. As if it wasn't good enough for her to get off scott free using me, she had to ignore the one time I ask her for help.
Worst part is that not a month before hand she was giving me backlash over my decision to take Marra back into my life and rekindle our friendship. She told me that she was mad at how badly Marra treated me and how I would just end up with a knife in my back. I couldn't help but wonder at the time if she was right, if I was doing the wrong thing. I mean if someone who claimed to be one of my bestfriends, was telling me that I was making a huge mistake and that they didn't want me to be hurt again. Then I realized that the only reason she was so mad is because she wouldn't be able to have my undivide attention and thusly, wouldn't be able to have me do her bidding.
I am bored to death. I have exhausted all my options as far as entertainment. I am home with heat stroke. I went to the beach yesterday and got my tan on. We also spent hours in the water. I have a gorgeous brown tan though, it was a very very bad burn yesterday though. I even made some very tastey brownies =D They were delicious and even had a proper glaze on them ^.^ I was so proud of myself for making them.
Oh and in other news, I quit the boathouse and went back to stream, I am in streamline as of now and will hopefully be working towards hitting TCO within 3 months or Lazyjet..... either way they offer me a chance to work week days and to do something different ^.^
That's all for now! Cheers!
Wednesday, 20 July 2011
Don't you love it?
I have had an interesting few weeks, and to tell you the truth, I am almost wishing they don't continue. I found a job at a local restaurant as a hostess. I work a couple hours a night and basically run my ass off. I love the people and the atmosphere but I am not entirely sure I can deal with working less that 60 hours a month. I won't even be pulling in as much as I would have with Ontario Works! I have re-applied to Stream and I believe they want me back. I have an interview with them on Thursday.
In other news I have made a few friends and have been trying to get out to make more. I even managed to get in touch with my old friends. My friend Caroline and I have been planning a get together and she is going to be attending Moose's with me. OH! That is news! I will be going to Moose's Labour Day Bash for an early birthday celebration. There should be lots of drinking, smoking and loud music. Not to mention sweaty old biker men lmfao! All in all it will be amazing and I am sure everyone will love it. I am also planning to go out for lunch with my beloved Barb on my birthday =) We are planning to just hang out and chill. Of course Dana will be planning something I am sure!
Dana was not too happy about me going to Moose's, he assumed I would drink myself into being a drunken floozy. I was not too happy and we got into one helluva fight over it. We have it settle now and I think he may even be a happier person because of it. He just needs to be a little less judgmental and a little more positive. It would be a good change for him.
Either way, there are many things to update you on, and I will eventually. However, for now, it is bedtime.
Cheers!
In other news I have made a few friends and have been trying to get out to make more. I even managed to get in touch with my old friends. My friend Caroline and I have been planning a get together and she is going to be attending Moose's with me. OH! That is news! I will be going to Moose's Labour Day Bash for an early birthday celebration. There should be lots of drinking, smoking and loud music. Not to mention sweaty old biker men lmfao! All in all it will be amazing and I am sure everyone will love it. I am also planning to go out for lunch with my beloved Barb on my birthday =) We are planning to just hang out and chill. Of course Dana will be planning something I am sure!
Dana was not too happy about me going to Moose's, he assumed I would drink myself into being a drunken floozy. I was not too happy and we got into one helluva fight over it. We have it settle now and I think he may even be a happier person because of it. He just needs to be a little less judgmental and a little more positive. It would be a good change for him.
Either way, there are many things to update you on, and I will eventually. However, for now, it is bedtime.
Cheers!
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
@#$^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A very wise friend recently told me, sometimes good things fall apart for great things to come together.
Well right now the good things are definitely falling apart... I am trying to find myself in the middle of my shattered emotions. The fury and betrayal I am feeling are over powering my will to be positive and trying to find joy seems impossible.
I was stabbed in the back yesterday by someone who I considered a friend. Someone I lent my time and hands to, to help them rebuild there home. Someone that I had done no wrong to. Now I have I knife up to the hilt in my back and they just keep twisting it. I can accept what they said but I can't accept what they did. The fact that they said things behind my back and tried to ruin my relationship for no reason, that is unthinkable in my world.
The thing I was accused of was cheating. The reason they had for saying it was that I was texting a guy I met while I was out with my friend at a bar. This guy was already aware that I had a boyfriend and that I had no desire to hook up, get down or do the nasty. He is in fact from another place entirely, like outside of the province. He just happened to be in town on summer vacation from school. Now because I have talked to someone I am being accused of shit? Am I not allowed to have friends.
Either way, I am feeling hurt and wronged. Apparently this is not an acceptable feeling according to my boyfriend. I should just move on and not care. He and this piece of shit he calls a friend should continue to hangout, and I should just be cool with it like nothing happened. I have yet to receive an apology or anything of the sort. I honestly cannot sit back and think it's ok for them to hang out.
Not to mention I have to deal with Dana calling me grumpy, bitchy, angry, any adjective that describes someone in an unpleasant mood. He is saying I am always like this and is taking an attitude with me every time I get frustrated or upset. Even if it's something minor or something he doesn't like, he spins into a rage and freaks out at me, as if my world isn't stressful enough.
I would honestly, at this point in time, like to take my new shiny knives and chop that stupid asshole piece of shit John Deline into little bitty pieces. Then I would feed him to the snapping turtles and the musky at my cottage.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a knife to try and remove from my back.
Well right now the good things are definitely falling apart... I am trying to find myself in the middle of my shattered emotions. The fury and betrayal I am feeling are over powering my will to be positive and trying to find joy seems impossible.
I was stabbed in the back yesterday by someone who I considered a friend. Someone I lent my time and hands to, to help them rebuild there home. Someone that I had done no wrong to. Now I have I knife up to the hilt in my back and they just keep twisting it. I can accept what they said but I can't accept what they did. The fact that they said things behind my back and tried to ruin my relationship for no reason, that is unthinkable in my world.
The thing I was accused of was cheating. The reason they had for saying it was that I was texting a guy I met while I was out with my friend at a bar. This guy was already aware that I had a boyfriend and that I had no desire to hook up, get down or do the nasty. He is in fact from another place entirely, like outside of the province. He just happened to be in town on summer vacation from school. Now because I have talked to someone I am being accused of shit? Am I not allowed to have friends.
Either way, I am feeling hurt and wronged. Apparently this is not an acceptable feeling according to my boyfriend. I should just move on and not care. He and this piece of shit he calls a friend should continue to hangout, and I should just be cool with it like nothing happened. I have yet to receive an apology or anything of the sort. I honestly cannot sit back and think it's ok for them to hang out.
Not to mention I have to deal with Dana calling me grumpy, bitchy, angry, any adjective that describes someone in an unpleasant mood. He is saying I am always like this and is taking an attitude with me every time I get frustrated or upset. Even if it's something minor or something he doesn't like, he spins into a rage and freaks out at me, as if my world isn't stressful enough.
I would honestly, at this point in time, like to take my new shiny knives and chop that stupid asshole piece of shit John Deline into little bitty pieces. Then I would feed him to the snapping turtles and the musky at my cottage.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a knife to try and remove from my back.
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