Friends

Sometimes the hardest thing about friendship is finding them amongst the human garbage. In the past few months I have lost people who I viewed as friends, but after they were gone it gave me a sense of clarity. They weren't good friends. They weren't bad friends on purpose but they were bad friends.

The key to friendship is the same as a relationship. You HAVE to communicate. No one was communicating... even when I made an effort to convey my displeasure and asked them to talk to me openly and honestly.

Was I perfect. No. Was I selfish. Probably. I hurt feelings and made wrong choices. Maybe I was a bad friend. However, I don't believe that I deserved what people dished out... the unique amounts of crap each one of these people had to offer.

Am I better off without them? Yeah. Does that mean it doesn't hurt like hell? No.

So fuck those people, just for today.

Berries!

Raspberries from my parents home <3 Awesome snack food!

Tired...

I'm so tired of being sick all the time... I feel like I have become crippled in some horrifying manner with absolutely no reason for it...

Once again stuck at home with a very upset stomach, stressing about how to pay rent.

Somehow it actually managed to get worse and destroy both my social life and my ability to work. Going out is becoming a problem because I'm terrified that my IBS will flare when I'm not near a washroom.

My anxiety is absolutely the worst thing that has ever happened. All I want is to walk outside and enjoy the day. Not worrying that I will die or be robbed or mugged, that would be the best day ever. I don't even remember what it feels like to WANT to leave my home.

Hopefully, one day this will end... For now I will sulk in my hidey hole...

Invisible illness fucking sucks.

Tune Up Media

I figured since I was having a moment of boredom and down time I should probably just do up a quick post for my readers.

Took me a while to figure out what exactly I wanted write about and then I remembered I had another review on a company to do. This one pertains to Tune Up Media.

I purchased Tune Up on New years eve for 50% off the regular price. I was pleased with the deal and the ease of access. Where I failed to be impressed was the product itself. It ruined my media library. It assigned random song names and titles to a lot of my music and would not add album art to anything. The album names it found were "mixed" albums (ie. Big Shiny Tunes or Greatest Country Hits 1998) and never the proper album. Some tracks even went missing without me running the "deduper".

I waited and tried it several times, becoming increasingly frustrated. Finally I gave in and contacted support through their email option on the website.

That is the end of anything negative about this company... The support I received was nothing less than stellar and I believe they set the gold standard. It was quick, efficient and generally pleasant. A refund was sent immediately and I was given information to attempt to help fix my damaged media library.

The agent I was emailing with phenomenal. Very empathetic and had all the key components of an amazing representative. He accepted both complaints and compliments graciously and provide appropriate and timely responses to address concerns.

I have got to say, the product wasn't for me... I am not a fan and it may have simply been my computer or skill set that prevented the product from impressing me. However, if you are looking for world class customer support, they have it!

Belleville SlutWalk

A friend and I have decided our city of Belleville should have it's own SlutWalk... Many larger cities and towns have been having them so we decided we would love to see people coming out and walking for the cause. 

Slut-shaming has become more and more prevalent in our society and it a practice that even law enforcement has fallen into. The phrase "she was asking for it..." is said more and more. (Which, I might add, is strange because rape cannot be asked for by definition.) We are walking to show that Sluts and Allies alike, whether promiscuous, prostitute or nun, does not deserve to be sexually assaulted, raped or molested. 

If you are from Belleville, you should come out with us. March, stomp, shimmy and shake awareness into our little town! 

Belleville SlutWalk link is right here! 

The event is May 17th at 11am. 

We will be collecting donations for a local charity... If you have a suggestion for where our donations should go to, leave a comment or message us in the event! 

See you all there! 

Blah...

I am having a shit week. Rogers is being a bunch of dicks. My room mate listed me as a contact on her account, now whenever her phone gets cut off or past due, they suspend my phone from calling customer care and they call me repeatedly to try and collect her money.

I have also been back at work again after taking a week off. It makes me feel horrible, I get a migraine every day. Not to mention feeling like I'm going to vomit and pass out every time I go outside. I hate feeling like I'm trapped in this shit job.

Not to mention we have new neighbours. They are the most dreadful, aweful, horrible people I have ever met. They have a toddler who screams at the top of his lungs for hours, rides a plastic tricycle that makes it sound like a bowling ball is rolling down my hall and when not doing that he runs back and forth down the hallway like a dog on a run. Probably because he doesn't go outside. Best part is they like to play children's music at ridiculous levels at 9am. And when that doesn't make the kid happy you can hear the dad yelling at his 2 year old to shut the fuck up. Why they are having another baby is beyond me. They clearly are terrible parents already.

Good news is I got a referral to a foot surgeon. I just have to wait for an appointment and then they will remove the toenail from my foot. 1 year later than I would have liked but anything is better than this toe.

Well, that's my rant for tonight. Will post again soon.

Oh Canada

I miss fall... Seriously...

Fall has to be the most beautiful season in Canada. The bright vibrant colours and the bustling leaves. Cool breezes mingled with warm days... That's the life.

Seriously...

My room mate is driving me insane. She is completely incapable of caring for herself, nevermind her animals. Now she wants to take one of the kittens and transport him back and forth the Kingston a shit tonne of times while she spreads for some random.

She is such an idiot. Like honestly, she can't scoop a litter box and doesn't pay for there food or litter. Not to mention that she has never paid for worm or flea medication... Or bathed her cat.

And who the fuck takes a cat travelling back and forth... If she gets stuck there or Gizmo freaks out, he is screwed. Not to mention, I just got him potty trained. Her moving him all over the place is going to seriously fuck that up.

I think I'm just going to get my mom to help me place him somewhere. And if my animals are touched, there will be blood. Her claiming that all the animals are hers, fuck that noise. She has put nothing into those animals. No work, no love, no attempt to care for them. Her taking in Nicki was shit. To her, animals are toys. Garbage... Things...

I can't imagine treating animals like possessions. She does.... It's pitiful. The only thing she can love is dick. She is a two bit cheap whore. Spreading her legs for the first two legged critter that slithers up and pays attention to her.

I do all the housework, she sits on her fat ass...  Including caring for the pets. Good luck getting anything from me. She can pry those animals from my cold dead hands.

Frustrated

I'm getting seriously frustrated and upset with the level of procrastination in the people around me. I find it so disheartening that I want to completely give up.

I honestly feel like I can't move forward because of the people that I'm with. There is always the exception to the rule, but I feel like I'm carrying the people in my life. It's like trudging through mud, slow and unyielding.

I just want to set aside everyone else for a while and be completely alone. I can't think or breathe without having some sort of stress interrupt me.

I want to pay my rent on time, I want to get my bills paid up and I would love to properly shop for healthy food. This seems to be completely impossible for me to do when no one else is contributing the same effort.

I wish I could scream, but I don't even have a voice anymore.

Seagate... What an impression.

So a while ago I purchased a Seagate 1.5 tb desktop external hard drive. It was a great price and it seemed really solid.

Last night before going to sleep I noticed a beeping noise coming from the hard drive. After some searching on the internet, it became clear that it was an issue that cropped up a lot with Seagate hd's.

Fearing that my drive was going to die and I would lose all my data, I called the company. I got accidentally disconnected from one tech rep bit when I called back I managed to touch base with a guy who quickly got me from verifying my account to working on the issue.

I was immediately offered a replacement drive and given the shipping options. I wasn't really happy with having to pay shipping to send it back or to pay them for what should be a warranty replacement. After I asked politely, the fees were waived and the order was set up.

It was almost effortless and compared to most other experiences I have had with other companies. I was actually very impressed with the whole experience. For as much as I was really unhappy that my drive was screwed up, I cannot say enough about how Seagate made me a seriously happy customer.

Definitely worth it for what I paid.

Back to work

So I have now been back to work for 2 weeks and it literally makes me want to find a window and jump.

I have decided I hate my job more than anything else in my life. It's boring, monotonous and filled with idiots. Literally. I have to fix people's printers because they are too useless to understand how google works. It's a printer.... Either its broken or its not.

Oh, your printer is spewing toner everywhere and has spontaneously combusted? Ever think of turning the stupid thing off? No? Okay then, just keep trying to print and then instead of telling me what the issue is, call and give a vague description of it... Like "my printer is not working" or "it won't print" How about you actually tell me what's going on, so I don't have to play 20 million questions to get the answer.

Oh and the best part is going from my leave to work 10 hour shifts... That is seriously messed up and unnecessary. Not to mention its actually an 11 hour shift... So calculating travel time, I get to spend more time at or travelling to work then I get to spend at home most days... Sounds perfect for someone who has anxiety and stress issues... >.<

Not to mention my benefits company, Sunlife, is the worst benefits company I have ever encountered. They had no one to answer the phone when I called on more than one occasion. If you leave a voicemail, you can count on it never being listened to or your call returned. And then even if you were previously approved for benefits for the same issue, you will still be forced to go through the approval process again. You have to submit a 1 page, 2 sided document that it apparently it took the representative 5 business days to read and process... If you have that many issues with English, you might want to take some lessons or something.

And I am so sick of being asked if I am happy to be back... I know its polite but seriously... Am I happy to be back at the job that stressed me out to a point where I mentally snapped and my body began to believe all food and contact with the outdoors was evil? Yes..  that's why I have a similar crazy grin and eye twitch to a hobo that is about to kill, cannibalize and rape you... In that order.

At least the kittens are getting bigger. They are like 6 weeks now and 2 of them have hopefully found their new families. Bonnie and Clyde are the first to go... Now I just need a home for Gizmo if I can give him up... You really do get attached to the little buggers...

Oh and Christmas, I am almost ready for it... I have most of my gifts done. Now I only have my 2 nephew's gifts and my friends Barb and Cory to buy for. I am finding the boys really hard to buy for... I don't know what little boys like these days... I'm almost set on getting them nerf guns and some extra darts... I will have to make sure to tell them not to shoot there sister or the new baby when she comes along.

Well... Back to my sleepy weekend. I really need to find some more mushrooms so I can get rid of these headaches for a while... They are killing me!

Week Three

So I'm now onto week 3 of my leave from work. I've been feeling a lot better, still have some anxiety about the outdoors and I am having trouble sleeping.

All in all though, I feel destressed. Money was an issue for a bit but I've managed to clear that issue up. The migraines are almost gone, and my hair has stopped falling out mostly. This is much improved from my previous state.

My next check up will determine if I am to return to work or not. I have to check back in with my doctor and he may want to try the anti depressants again. The problem with that is I tend to be non-compliant with them and they stop and start.

Today I'm feeling a touch sickie... However, it could be much much worse. I have a little headache and my tummy is a bit off.

Oh! And I have an old friend coming to visit. Her name is Caroline... We have known each other since grade 5 and she has always been so nice to me. I'm really happy we are going to see each other. And my Barbie is coming to visit me as well. I think that those two will mesh quite well. They are both so sweet natured and make wonderful friends. Barb wants to go to the bar tonight, I may be up for it but I'm not sure, I'm not really a drinker and with this headache....

In other news, the guy I'm seeing has managed to snap up a job. I'm so proud of him ^.^

Also I've managed to get tonnes of my Christmas shopping done. I'm really happy that its getting figured out now as opposed to later. I have a hookah for Marra, a vaporizer for another friend, mum is getting baking stuff and a small digital picture frame for her desk, my sister is getting pinch guards for her doors. The list goes on and on.... So far I haven't spent a tonne on it, but I still want to get a few more things. I am re-doing an old wooden sled for my aunt and Josie... She will love it!

However, I'm going to go sleep off this headache before I have to get up and tidy.

Cheers

The Giving Tree...

Lately I have been feeling more and more like my life is just crumbling. My best friend tried to jump out a fucking window and I have developed enough anxiety that going outside is becoming exceptionally difficult.

I feel like the people in my life are just taking and taking, and no one is giving back (with the exception of my family). I feel like every time I do something for someone, I am giving away a part of who I am. Eventually I will end up like the giving tree.... Nothing more than a stump.

If I say no to a request I am yelled at for it. Literally I said "no" when asked for a cigarette today because they are all I have left for a week. Instead of the person understanding, I got told not to ever ask them for anything.

That person being my best friend. The person who I loaned money too without blinking an eye and said pay me back whenever she can. The person who I pulled her back in from the window she tried to jump from and then spent several hours in the hospital with. The person who I don't ask for anything from with the exception of her half the bills, and for a while I didn't even get that.

I feel like I can never do enough for the people around me to keep them happy. I just want to lay down and never talk to anyone again.

I wish someone would consider me... Do I not have feelings? Do I not do good things for people? I try my best. Honestly. I want to be a good person and I want people to feel like I am good to them but how much of yourself do you give away before it's too much.

I don't want millions of dollars or a perfect life. But appreciation and thanks would be nice on occasion.

My hair has begun falling out again. I'm thinking its from the stress. The doctor doesn't want me back on my anti-depressants just yet. I'm noncompliant with my medication and that makes it risky for me to take them.

*sigh*

When will life be okay for a while? This is just too fucked up.

Cogeco... Almost as bad as Rogers.

Seriously, this is a terrible company. I have always been told they have the worst customer service but I thought I would give them a shot.

Boy was I wrong to do that!

They have some of the most unintelligent, disrespectful customer service agents I have ever spoken with. I cannot stress enough that they are one of the worst companies I have ever spoken with in my life.

You can't even directly speak with a supervisor. That ought to tell you something about how many people are pissed off with them. I'm glad I won't be locked into a contract with these idiots.

They managed to cancel the installation without informing me, screw up putting in bank numbers and tell me repeatedly that I should just call back.

This is all before I have even had the service set up! At least Rogers had the decency to get me up and running before screwing up this badly.

In short. I would give Cogeco a 2/10 and the only reason I'm willing to go that high is because of one agent named Rose who was exceptionally helpful.

Fuck Cogeco.

Douchebag landlords strike again!

Once again, my landlords have out douched themselves. This time they are trying to prevent me from having internet installed by refusing to allow cogeco to make a hole to install the cable they need. I am pissed. I have an appointment to have it installed tomorrow, and I will be keeping it. Cogeco may need permission to put a hole in the wall, but I certainly fucking don't. I will be asking where the hole needs to be and either taking a drill, a hammer or my boot to that spot. Way I figure it is that if he wants to be an assholr about a small hole in the wall, two can play that game.

I even offered to patch it when I moved out, which is more then they can say they did since they barely cleaned anything before we took possession of the unit. But apparently that was not good enough. Remind me to not clean anything for a month before I leave and to stuff raw fish under the floor boards

They are the most unprofessional, inappropriate morons I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. I will be so glad to move out of this shit hole.

Interwebz!

I will be getting interwebs soon! Thursday to be exact. I finally got pissed off at not having any so I called and ordered it. It will cost me about $55 a month for 40gb and a wireless router.

I will keep you updated!

Morning!

Life has been moving along nicely as of late. There is no longer a teenager living in my living room, but there is a teenager who owes me money living elsewhere.

I contacted fixed fur life about my pregnant stray cat that I am takinb care of and they are willing to take her in along with any kittens that don't find homes. Nicki will be staying with Marra and I until the kittens are weaned, then they will be taken to fixed fur life for new homes.

Other than that, my little brother has finally hit the end of his rope. He got caught with weed in his bag, avoiding a drug search by skipping out. He then refused to let then search him, and got himself suspended for a week. When my parents took away his internet and tv privileges, he had a bit of a fit and ran away. He can back long enough to mess up my computer and then after I gave him a good smack and took his laptop, he ran away again. This time he ran away in campbellford... He went to my grandparents place and was told he was not welcome back at home. Apparently he is moving to Oshawa to be with his semi-retarded friend and his friends crackhead mom. I'm giving it a few weeks before he wants to come home.

Other than that, I have my health stuff dealt with mostly. I have a few more things to take care of but otherwise, everything is good. My next big thing is going to be packing my stuff up and getting ready for the big move to Ottawa.

Hopeful...

I am feeling a lot of pressure being released lately. I have gotten my diagnosis of IBS and been started on some meds that seem to help a lot. I also have gotten my ILOA form signed for work so that I am able to take some time off without fear of penalty if I have a flare up or can't make it through a work day. All in all, it is looking up right now.

My next task to accomplish is to get my application in for an apartment in Ottawa. I may be taking a 2 bdrm or possibly just a 1. It all depends on if my room mate if coming with me. It's a tough call, she is my best friend but sometimes she drives me completely insane with her crap.

I am sure it will all get figured out. I'm also pleased to report that dealing with bills has been easier. I have over paid my hydro bill and as such I owe Veridian next to nothing. My phone bill is higher than what I want but now that I have the long distance issue all sorted out it should be much better. Rent is overpaid for this month as well so next month will be much easier to take care of in comparison.

I'm also looking at getting a prescription for Mushrooms for my migraines. It is becoming more and more apparent that I need to do something about them and magic mushrooms (psilocybin - don't quote me on the spelling since I'm in no mood for spell check) is the only thing that helps. I'm not even kidding either, next time you have a killer migraine, take a gram and become a believer.

However, I'm going to find a bagel. The man just left and I'm feeling a lonely carb filled food binge coming on!

3 days

I'm 3 days away from my 23rd birthday. I know its not a milestone or anything big but it feels big.
I think it's because this is the first year I have really been on my own with no boyfriend living with me to help on rent ect. I mean sure, Marra has been here but sometimes that's more trouble than its worth.
Honestly, I can't wait until I move to Ottawa. It may be happening sooner than originally planned as well. Something like November hopefully. It will be really nice to get out of this town.
School will be hard enough to get underway, but I definitely want to start taking courses in January. I'm thinking of applying for some online courses with my next pay cheque. Just to kind of get a leg up and hopefully make it easier to get into college.
Anyways, I'm going to wrap up the ramble. Just wanted to clear the noise out of my head!

Stressed out!

This week has been nothing but so much stress. I have decided moving to Ottawa will be a much welcomed change from my crappy call center job and my pitiful excuse for an apartment. Between bitchy room mates, Shitty Belleville buses and work pissing me off I want to burn my life to the ground and start again.

I was voluntold today by my work that I would have to come in for an extra 4 hours every weekend. Which is just ridiculous. They screwed up there staffing and thus screwed us. Now they want us to use our own time to be trained which is fucking ridiculous. I am going to be getting a note from my doctor which clearly states I can work no more than 40 hours per week.

Oh! Other big news! I finally got my inside problems diagnosed. I now am the proud own of not only PCOS and Agoraphobia but also IBS or Crohns. So excited.... Not. For the better part of a month it has felt like someone is ripping my guts out through my belly button. Also the constant need to use the washroom is causing my call center job to be a much more difficult. The stress of which makes my insides feel soooo much worse.

Oh and the Belleville transit system. Apparently it is perfectly okay for there buses to just not fucking show up. 'Cause y'know.... It's not like anyone depends on it for there job. I called to complain and was asked to leave my number and a preferred callback time, which I did. So far, no callback and I've been waiting on one since Wednesday.

All in all it was an impressively bad week. Like "I tried to quit my job and they wouldn't let me" kinda week. It can only go uphill from here though.... I hope.