You know, I always thought that being "drug free" and sober would suck, but now that I have surpassed my 1 year mark, I am truly finding a level of clarity in the world. Now I do want to point out that "sober" refers to anything that is not pot, mushrooms or booze. I cannot imagine how I lived through my addiction like I did; the only time I was happy was when I was rolling, tripping, high or tweaked. I look back on my life then and wonder how I even managed to function, what I looked like to other people. Then my friend showed me a movie called "Spun" as we watched it, I noticed some startling similarities between myself and one of the characters, and a even more upsetting correlation between her relationship and mine. I shook it off and kept watching, and not 5 minutes later my best friend looked at me laughing and said, "They remind me of you and your ex!" My heart sunk. I never knew I looked so pathetic and helpless, like someone spinning out of control and not even able to take care of themselves. I was a reject.
I think the only thing I held onto in that time was my family, the fact that my grandparents, my aunts, uncle, had stood there ground and refused to abandon me. Even after my mother had given up coming to my aid and had barred me from her life. I was still someone worth trying for in their eyes, something worth saving, and I am sure my mother felt the same way, she just couldn't cope with what I was doing to myself and my life.
After I got clean I didn't think I would ever want to talk about it with anyone. I was ashamed of what I had become, but the more I talked and felt like shit, the more I realized I need to talk. I needed the world to know how shitty I had felt, and that I had fixed myself. I wanted to be proud that I was able to do things for me without holding onto someone else. My body bares the scars of my addiction, but my heart has never been this free.
Whenever I feel judged or looked down on for those years I will tell that person, I beat bulimia, drug addiction and I fight (and win) a battle every day with depression and agoraphobia. I am strong, stronger than someone who can look down there nose at someone who has made mistakes. I can do anything I want and I will be who ever I want. My past is bygone and my future is splayed out in front of me, waiting for me to step into it.
I have no regrets.