Saturday, 20 October 2012

The Giving Tree...

Lately I have been feeling more and more like my life is just crumbling. My best friend tried to jump out a fucking window and I have developed enough anxiety that going outside is becoming exceptionally difficult.

I feel like the people in my life are just taking and taking, and no one is giving back (with the exception of my family). I feel like every time I do something for someone, I am giving away a part of who I am. Eventually I will end up like the giving tree.... Nothing more than a stump.

If I say no to a request I am yelled at for it. Literally I said "no" when asked for a cigarette today because they are all I have left for a week. Instead of the person understanding, I got told not to ever ask them for anything.

That person being my best friend. The person who I loaned money too without blinking an eye and said pay me back whenever she can. The person who I pulled her back in from the window she tried to jump from and then spent several hours in the hospital with. The person who I don't ask for anything from with the exception of her half the bills, and for a while I didn't even get that.

I feel like I can never do enough for the people around me to keep them happy. I just want to lay down and never talk to anyone again.

I wish someone would consider me... Do I not have feelings? Do I not do good things for people? I try my best. Honestly. I want to be a good person and I want people to feel like I am good to them but how much of yourself do you give away before it's too much.

I don't want millions of dollars or a perfect life. But appreciation and thanks would be nice on occasion.

My hair has begun falling out again. I'm thinking its from the stress. The doctor doesn't want me back on my anti-depressants just yet. I'm noncompliant with my medication and that makes it risky for me to take them.


When will life be okay for a while? This is just too fucked up.