Cottaging Weekend

I have returned a crispy and red version of my former self. Cottaging was a huge success, there were plenty of smiling faces and requests to come back sometime. Most of my weekend was spent by the fire drinking and smoking til my hearts content. The rest of the weekend was spent talking with my grandparents or eating the delicious food.

In all there was 10 of us, and they were all great people, I really feel like I got to connect with all of them on a more personal level. We had a number of meaningful discussions and got into a great number of topics about health care, education and the every present relationships. We only had 2 single people at the cottage and they seemed to fit in just fine.

The first night there everyone was totally loaded and high and 3 of us  actually managed to stay up the whole night. About 1/2 of us watched the sunrise over the tree tops. It was absolutely gorgeous to watch, and the "Day of Rapture" turned out to be gorgeous and warm. Most of us even got in the water at some point for a brief, cold swim. We even managed to all get tanned! John and Uncle Craig sat with us and enjoyed soaking up the sunlight on what has probably been the most gorgeous day that year. Saturday night, Jenn, Matt, Dana and I spent hours upon hours talking with my grandparents and my 3rd cousin, Dennis. We laughed til all hours of the night and drank away our time.

On the final day, everyone started leaving around the 4pm mark and soon only Dana and I were left, excluding my family and John. I exchanged contact info with John and my uncle and we left. Although we had to turn around to get my sugar gliders. Turns out my grandparents didn't feel up to another set of pets, so we came back and took them home with us, feeling a little silly for leaving the animals by accident.

I got a tonne of pictures and plenty of everyone, I'll post some of the ones I got of the lake and sky. It was absolutely gorgeous, and everyone was amazing!

Ugh....

Why is it a theological discussion always devolves into Dana being pissed off. I ask him what he wants to do with his life and he ends up being pissed off at me because he said he can't be a truck driver 'cause society sucks. I ask him why society sucks and I get "Because I want to be alone." Then when I tell him he obviously doesn't otherwise he wouldn't have a girlfriend and live with his father, he gets more pissed off and says he hate society because they discriminate and use people. I then asked him what he could do to change it he immediately starts ranting about how I have an answer for everything and I should just shut up because he can never be happy because it takes too much work to do what he loves ( To be a trucker? Really?) and how he should just live to work and work to live.

He is the most pessimistic person I have ever met. Seriously... I don't know how that man still functions. I think I would rather work all my life to get to where I can do something I love instead of hate what I'm doing and spend my life dreaming of doing something better.

I mean is it really that hard to do something with your life? I wish he could just look at SOMETHING with an optimistic outlook, for once. I mean the guy thinks I secretly hate him >.< Honestly, he needs to loosen up... shake some idea's out and de-stress. For once I wish he would relax and just have an open, honest discussion with me without getting upset or macho.

Anyways, just felt like ranting....

Today I was listening to P!nk's song Fuckin' Perfect and I felt like I wanted to talk about what shit was like a year and a bit ago. I need to talk about it, to get it out there. Someone has to see my bleeding wounds for them to heal.

I was going through Hell. Literally. I was so fucked up I didn't know what was happening. I was too terrified to leave the house and angry with myself for being that way. I knew that I had to get over my fear and nothing was working, not perscriptions, not talking, not illegal drugs.... So I swallowed my fear and took a step out the door, and then another, then another. Finally I was walking out the doors of my apartment building and I didn't it more than  a block before I puked and ran back home. Every day I did a little more and a little more. It took a month of facing my deepest fear until I was able to walk around enough to get a job.

As for my job is was a meaningless job at a call center but to me being able to attain that when a month before I was trapped as a prisoner inside my home.... it felt amazing. I had to take drugs to stay calm and fought through panic attacks all week, all while trying  not to let my new friends and co-workers see. I looked around and saw how happy everyone was. How easy it was for them to get up in the morning and walk outside. They took it forgranted, everyday. They had it so good, so easy... I hoped no one would ever feel the way I did every morning.

Once I finally got through training I felt like I was dying every morning and I couldn't make it through a day without crying. So I did the only thing I knew how to do to be happy. I took drugs. At first it was pot and dexies, but soon it moved to coke with a coworker, meth a few times, then prescription painkillers  and I finally settled into my "usual" ... E, my artificial smile. There has never been another chemical that has made me feel as good. Before long the headaches that go hand in hand with Ecstasy addiction started and I began getting sick. I eventually needed to take a pill to get through a day. I started selling on the side, enough to make back what I was spending on it. I was good at it too, I never once got caught on drugs or with them,  My boyfriend was also blinded to my problem, he couldn't see past the smile and the happy demeanor to were I was screaming for help and I eventually got mad at him. Why couldn't he see the pain and why wasn't he helping me? I began to let my anger show more and more, trying to push him into seeing what I was becoming. Helpless.


By a year into my job at the call center I was miserable and angry with myself for needing the drugs. My life had become a blur of partying and any drugs I could get my hands on that would serve as an "upper" My family had given up at that point, they couldn't stand my boyfriend and wanted me to leave, but like an ass, I was much to proud and stubborn. I never imagined my life would go down that path, and I didn't want it too. I didn't want to die alone in a gutter so I tried to kill myself before I got there. I took pill and another pill, and kept taking them until I thought it was enough. I ended up taking 12 Oxy's that night, Rob found me nearly passed out on the floor. In my semi conscious haze I remember his making me puke and then it fades out. After that Rob was different, and we started falling apart even faster than before. He ended up moving his best friend onto my couch and needless to say I wasn't pleased.

His best friend being there actually turned out to be the best thing that could have happened. Chad and I had known each other before and eventually while Rob was out at a biker party, I turned to Chad's arms for comfort and the comfort turned into more. Soon after we were spending all the free time we could muster together and thoroughly enjoyed each other's company. I still couldn't bring myself to fully leave Rob though. Not until that August. I finally summoned all the courage in my little heart and pulled the words out of my drug addled brain. He begged and pleaded but I stood firm, leaning on Chad the whole time. Everyday I tried to muster the courage to leave the house were Rob was staying with me and find a new place but I never could and after months of trying, Chad gave up too. I don't blame him, you can only wait so long for a person to make up there mind, unfortunately I wasn't strong enough to leave yet.

After many months of fighting I took Rob back, we never said the words but we both knew I was back with him. He began to make an effort to be better for me when all hell broke loose on our world. it turns out that Rob had been hiding eviction notices and when the knock on the door finally came I had no idea what was happening. I cried for the 3 days that I was homeless. We lived out of a motel and I took the bus to work from there every day... I felt like I was going to die. Finally I did the only thing that I could think of. In tears, I called my mother and told her what had happened. She came up and got me that night and we all went home. The first night I was home was spent wallowing in my self pity and crying over a bottle of booze. It was the next morning I remembered it had been days since my fix... I went into withdrawal and all I can remember is feeling the worst I have ever felt in my life for days. I took time off work and went and packed up my old apartment whenever I could. I remember think that I was going to die or commit suicide. I have never felt so horrible in my life. Everything ( Literally, everything.) hurt, I was sweating and had a migraine, not to mention the dizzy feeling and nausea....  Rob called repeatedly and I talked to him, we tried to work it out, even with my anger at him at a flash point high.

Finally when the physical withdrawal subsided and I was able to actually function again I went back to work and started making plans and trying to re-enter the world as a "drug free" individual. I had the occasional slip up but it wasn't as bad as I thought. I thought Rob and I might have a chance until he asked me out for dinner with the promise of a ride home to my house afterwards.

Like a fool, I accepted his offer and even though it was February I threw on some nice clothes and a winter jacket. We had a pleasant meal and talked. Afterward, he asked me for money to pay for my ride home. Money that I didn't have. I have never felt as murderous as I did that night standing in the winter snow outside of that restaurant. I could have killed him. Needless to say he offered to let me use the phone to call my mother but when we got to the house I was not allowed, by his family, to use the phone. To this day I count my lucky stars that Grandma was home that night, otherwise I would have had to walk the 4 hours back to my home town in leggings and high heels.

It was over after that. Even with all his attempts and crying, I wasn't taking him back. A couple months later I started going to bars and using an age old technique to rid my memory of him. Booze and random hook ups. It worked out well, and I am now with an amazing man, and though we fight, he has helped me process and get through shit...

1 year clean.

My body

I have made a grueling decision today. I have decided to try and love my body not matter what I weigh or what I may have wrong with me. This is not something that is easy for me because I'm over weight and every day of my life I fight against the urge to fall back on the eating disorder that kept me slender for so long. I look in the mirror and see a twisted, distorted ugly person, but starting today I am promising myself to look a  little harder and a little longer until I see the beautiful fun person everyone else sees in me.

I came across a quote today and it spoke volumes to me:

Your body is the vehicle to your dreams. Honor it. Respect it. Fuel it.

I think it's completely true. My body will take me to where-ever I need to be. It helps me achieve goals and reach the realm of dreams on a daily basis. It never gives up, never stops and takes a break or quits. It's a beautiful thing to think about. I need to start respecting my body more. Paying attention to it more often will make me a more healthy happy person and probably help to restore some of my confidence.

To do this I'm going to start a workout and begin eating more veggies and fruits. No more chips and junk for me. I'm also going to do more walking and start getting more fresh air as well as set up an appointment for a doctors visit to finally make sure that my body is totally healthy and getting all the things it needs. I took the first step by quitting drugs and getting sober, but I need to do more. I can't just hope everything will be okay, I need to make it that way. If I want something I have to work for it and what I want right now more than anything is to get healthy.

By the end of summer, I am promising myself to be in a size 9 and to have visited the doctor to figure out why I am sick.

So....

So life has been a little hectic as of late and thus I have had no time to write here, that's okay though... It's more like a journal than a blog.

I did a little bit of visiting over the past week. I managed to make it out to mum's place and see the family. I spent 2 days with my grandparents visiting and helping out with garden work. ( Even though my terrific fear of worms caused me to drop numerous pieces of vegetation and run screaming like a girl to the other side of the yard.) It went well, I did some sewing as well, making some new pouches and cage items for my Sugar gliders. There is some new zebra striped pieces for me to put in there cage and it looks really neat. I also got to visit Pumpkin and Sheena, we spent most of our time colouring and Sheen and I took a look at the lingerie she had ordered. Now comes the part of working off my winter blubber to fit into it.

Speaking of winter blubber, I have decided to start doing Cindy Crawfords workout. Mum gave it to me while I was down and it's pretty neat. I need to find myself a pair of 5lb weights. I'm pretty stoked about getting my weight down to an acceptable level.

Other than that I have been busy planning my May 24 party. I am visiting my cottage with a bunch of friends and we plan on spending the weekend relaxing and drinking our cares away. Ky, Barb and I are going to be doing food for everyone and that should last us the weekend. Next comes the job of planning where everyone will sit in cars and who is sleeping where. Most people are probably going to be tenting it, but I'm sleeping inside in my bedroom where it will be bug free! I can't wait to do some fishing =D I never catch anything but something about being stuck in a boat with someone flinging hooks about wildly just captivates me!

In other news, I have a job interview scheduled for tomorrow, it's for a nanny position not far from my apartment. I also received a callback from a company called Launch! to be a product demonstrator. Should be neat.

Anymawho, I'm not up to too much today, mostly just relaxing on the couch with the hubby and trying to plan the rest of my week. I think I'm visiting a friend in the next apartment building Tuesday afternoon and I'm babysitting Monday and Tuesday mornings. I am also trying to find some new delicious things to make for cottaging weekend. So far I've done up a batch of Watermelonade.... it's amazing and looks really pretty! I wanted to have my Moira, Darling bikini done up by then but I'm not sure I'll get the chance to.  I need a sewing machine to do it and unfortunately I don't have one of those at the moment. It's going to be amazing, and I'm pretty sure I'll be getting plenty of requests to have them done from my friends. I figure it's waaaay better than paying $50+ for a tiny piece of fabric that I can make myself out of a t-shirt!

OH! In other news Dana and I managed to get the penthouse suite in the apartment! It's just a 1 bedroom apartment but the view is amazing and the apartment itself is really quite cozy. It's much smaller that the 2 bedroom we have now, however I like it just as much and I don't have to deal with the annoying intellect-deficient man that Dana calls "Dad" living in the other room. (Thank Jebus.) I plan on redo-ing the whole apartment to MY liking and getting rid of the white washed walls and stale looking drapes. Not to mention there will be a whole lot of furniture shopping in my near future. I'm thinking I want to do my furniture from second hand, it helps the environment and it's cost effective. Thank goodness for the Donny Brooke auction, it's got a whole lot of stuff there and hopefully I can find everything I need in one fell swoop.

I think that is everything for now, although I do have some pictures to put up from at my grandparents place. I should have tonnes more by the end of summer! Even some of the homeless shelter I plan on building as a summer project.

Ciao!

Edit: Here are the pictures as promised!

Venting....

I am so fucking mad I can't see straight and I'm on the verge of tears.

I wake up in a good mood with a great outlook and have it stomped all over by my stupid boyfriend. I have no idea why he has changed into this cold angry bitter person who doesn't give a shit about me or my feelings but it's killing me.

Basically I am a whiny full of myself bitch and I should just be okay with a boyfriend who won't go out with me unless he gets to drink. I shouldn't be upset when he drinks away the booze I paid for and then moves on to the bottle I had for myself, because "You'll never drink it anyways." Then when I ask him to pick me up something because he is going to have his friend over to get drunk with he says okay and then doesn't bother so I'm left to watch him get drunk and stupid and have fun without me.

Not to mention he goes out with his friends on a moments notice to get hammered at the bar, but if I ask just once to go out to a movie or to go and do something I'm a whiny bitch. It's so fucking frustrating to be stuck like this... I feel like if I don't walk someone will come to hurt me, but if I walk I have to step barefoot on broken glass and rusted nails... It's like being punished and I don't know why. I try so fucking hard to be the girl he wants me to be, to do what he wants but I just can't do anything good enough by his standards.

I feel like I'm in physical pain and torn into two again because on one hand I love him more than anything and I could spend the rest of my life with him but on the other hand my heart has already been broken by someone with an addiction and a self centered personality so I know what staying will do.

Living like this hurts more than you can imagine... It's worse than any abuse that's been inflicted upon me before... I live in fear that he'll get angry and leave, or just launch more verbal blows my way, leaving invisible wounds that I fear I may die from. He tells me he wouldn't marry me because he could change his mind and just decide that he doesn't love me anymore. I'm laughed at, thought of as an idiot. Recieving no support for the things I want to do is killing me a little inside and trying to stay positive is an incredibly hard thing to do but I promised myself I would hold my head up every day and through any challenge, because I am strong. Sometimes though, that little part of me inside wishes I wasn't. I wish I had a friend to cry too, someone to listen, but everyone is so busy, I would feel like I'm taking time out of there lives for my petty stupid problems.

I don't want to leave, but staying hurts so much right now... I just wish he would be nicer to me, treat me like a girlfriend and not like something disposable. I want to mean something to him, to be a priority in his life... I hate taking the back seat to anger and addiction but that's what my life has always been and I don't know if I can change it..