I have never wanted to say fuck it, I give up on this place, this relationship and this love more than today. I am feeling frustrated, beaten down and tired. I can't even put into words how much I am feeling because it is all just a complete rush of emotion that is leaving me drained.
For starters I am feeling alone. It is like my boyfriend and I have become roomates who don't really give a crap about each other. We see each other every morning, and barely say 2 words. At night he is too busy playing his stupid video game to bother looking at me or he is passed out on the couch. During the day, he is to busy talking to everything else with boobs to look my way even once. I couldn't even tell him that I am ranked first on our team, our product line and second on site because he was too busy being pissy. My accomplishments mean nothing to this man.
Not to mention the fact that I am not allow to have an individual thought in my head. I got called whiny and bitchy this morning because I told him I was busy getting dressed when he wanted me to find him socks to wear and the 2 pairs I did get him weren't good enough, he want specific fucking colour! Like I was some kind of servant girl. And then I get called lazy because I would rather not walk to work... not like I have a crippling anxiety disorder that is based on the fear of large open spaces, like the outdoors, or anything. I could just slap the living shit out of him, and I wish I could. I might actually feel better.
Then he can't even make up his stupid mind as to whether he wants me here or not. Like I am just someone who he is flippant about. Not as though I actually fucking matter, but I'm goddamned optional. Like a second fucking cupholder in a car or the desicion between a swiss latte or mocha latte. Talk about feeling unimportant. Almost makes me want to drown myself in front of him just to see if the man would decide if I was worth getting his clothes wet for.
I am just so aggravated with the whole situation... although I am surprisingly calm for someone who is feeling so picked on. I mean I am aware that I have more than most, but I would willing trade it all not to feel like a shitty person every day of my life. I wake up feeling rotten and go to bed in a state of self loathing. This can't be all there is for me, I can't live my life in an ordinary setting, as an unhappy lifetime girlfriend who can't have kids and hasn't had sex in years. That just isn't fair. I know I can do more and be more and I feel so trade and shackled. I don't want to leave but I can't live this way...
I need a plan... a way out or a way back in... I can't do this anymore. Being unhappy is killing me.
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Saturday, 8 October 2011
For this, I am thankful.
This year I wanted to put down in writing what I am thankful for. I have a very long list but bear with me.
This year I am thankful for many things, I have a life that some people can only dream about and even on days where I think it's hard just to breathe, I know someone else out there would love to have my problems and someone is invariably envious of my entire life and being.
I'll begin with my health. I am thankful that I don't have any life threatening illnesses or injuries. I have never lost a limb or had to sacrifice something I love due to something health related. My life is not threatened in any way when I wake up in the morning and I have never heard a doctor tell me how long I have to live. For this I am thankful.
I am uncomprehendingly grateful for my family. I have a mother who is not afraid to push me back onto the right path when I go astray, or go to bat for me when I am being wronged. She taught me how to be a decent human being and she loves me. I have a father who didn't have to be. He chose to be my Dad, the man who loves me to the end of the earth and invariably answers any request with "Did you ask your mother?" He is the one I can cry to or scream my lungs out at and he is still there, steady as a rock, to forgive me. I have my quirky and yet lovable aunts and uncles, my confidants. They are the people I can openly tell everything to and know without fail that they will tell no one unless I am in danger of hurting myself or others. They are my bestfriends. Finally I have my grandparents. They are my listeners, my teachers and my friends. When no one else will stand by me, they will. Right or wrong, they believe in me and believe that I am worth something. They applaud even my minor victories and give standing ovations to major ones. They teach me life lessons in wisdom and patience. My siblings, who tell me their secrets and the funniest jokes. They are the people I hate and love the most. Sometimes, I wish they were never there but without them my life would be totally empty. I am also thankful for my sister, Paige, who has given me the chance to know her after so many years apart. For this, I am thankful.
I am grateful for my boyfriend. The man who is tolerant of my weirdness on good days and accepting of my temper on bad ones. The man who, I believe, would fight for me and always has my back. He is the person I can lean on the most. I love him even when I hate him and he loves me even when he hates me. I am grateful I am not alone and for his help through everything. I may hate it, but I am thankful for his realism, his unchanging steadyness and his, sometimes boring, but dependable personality. For this, I am thankful.
The people who have hurt me and love me the most, my friends. The people I would be lost without. You are the ones I can trust not to reveal my bad habits or tease me about my looks. They are the ones who would jump into a bar fight with me, just so I did taste defeat alone. My friends are the people who folllow me home from bars when I am mad, screaming at me the whole way that they love me and are sorry. The people who will get in the shower with me and we laugh totally comfortable. Or the people that make me the best man at their surprise weddings and of course the people who I've never met, but that still care about me enough to listen to my unending rants. My friends are the people who make mistakes and I forgive them for it, or the people that I hurt who forgive me for it. They are my soulmates. For this, I am thankful.
I am thankful for the abundance of food, shelter and material things in my life. I have more than a lot of people do and I have more than some people could dream of. I am painfully aware that there are people who would be happy just to have a roof over there head or to not have to rummage through dumpsters for food. I have an excess of things in my life that have no purpose but entertainment and pleasure. I am grateful that fate has seen fit to let me live a life of relative comfort. While it may not be perfect or luxurious, for this, I am thankful.
Finally, I am thankful for my mind and soul, for my ability to be aware of all the things I have in my life to be thankful for and my ability to be thankful for them. I am able to feel love, hate, pain, pleasure and every other emotion because of these things. While sometimes thinking about something can hurt my soul, or my soul may cause me to feel immeasurable pain or anger, I am given great comfort knowing that everything it feels or thinks is what makes me, me. These are the things that gives me all my abilities and works 24/7 or the thing that lets me experience life with emotion and feeling to the fullest capacity. For this, I am grateful.
Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
~ Reinhold Niebuhr
Happy thanksgiving all.... Hope you have plenty to be grateful for.
This year I am thankful for many things, I have a life that some people can only dream about and even on days where I think it's hard just to breathe, I know someone else out there would love to have my problems and someone is invariably envious of my entire life and being.
I'll begin with my health. I am thankful that I don't have any life threatening illnesses or injuries. I have never lost a limb or had to sacrifice something I love due to something health related. My life is not threatened in any way when I wake up in the morning and I have never heard a doctor tell me how long I have to live. For this I am thankful.
I am uncomprehendingly grateful for my family. I have a mother who is not afraid to push me back onto the right path when I go astray, or go to bat for me when I am being wronged. She taught me how to be a decent human being and she loves me. I have a father who didn't have to be. He chose to be my Dad, the man who loves me to the end of the earth and invariably answers any request with "Did you ask your mother?" He is the one I can cry to or scream my lungs out at and he is still there, steady as a rock, to forgive me. I have my quirky and yet lovable aunts and uncles, my confidants. They are the people I can openly tell everything to and know without fail that they will tell no one unless I am in danger of hurting myself or others. They are my bestfriends. Finally I have my grandparents. They are my listeners, my teachers and my friends. When no one else will stand by me, they will. Right or wrong, they believe in me and believe that I am worth something. They applaud even my minor victories and give standing ovations to major ones. They teach me life lessons in wisdom and patience. My siblings, who tell me their secrets and the funniest jokes. They are the people I hate and love the most. Sometimes, I wish they were never there but without them my life would be totally empty. I am also thankful for my sister, Paige, who has given me the chance to know her after so many years apart. For this, I am thankful.
I am grateful for my boyfriend. The man who is tolerant of my weirdness on good days and accepting of my temper on bad ones. The man who, I believe, would fight for me and always has my back. He is the person I can lean on the most. I love him even when I hate him and he loves me even when he hates me. I am grateful I am not alone and for his help through everything. I may hate it, but I am thankful for his realism, his unchanging steadyness and his, sometimes boring, but dependable personality. For this, I am thankful.
The people who have hurt me and love me the most, my friends. The people I would be lost without. You are the ones I can trust not to reveal my bad habits or tease me about my looks. They are the ones who would jump into a bar fight with me, just so I did taste defeat alone. My friends are the people who folllow me home from bars when I am mad, screaming at me the whole way that they love me and are sorry. The people who will get in the shower with me and we laugh totally comfortable. Or the people that make me the best man at their surprise weddings and of course the people who I've never met, but that still care about me enough to listen to my unending rants. My friends are the people who make mistakes and I forgive them for it, or the people that I hurt who forgive me for it. They are my soulmates. For this, I am thankful.
I am thankful for the abundance of food, shelter and material things in my life. I have more than a lot of people do and I have more than some people could dream of. I am painfully aware that there are people who would be happy just to have a roof over there head or to not have to rummage through dumpsters for food. I have an excess of things in my life that have no purpose but entertainment and pleasure. I am grateful that fate has seen fit to let me live a life of relative comfort. While it may not be perfect or luxurious, for this, I am thankful.
Finally, I am thankful for my mind and soul, for my ability to be aware of all the things I have in my life to be thankful for and my ability to be thankful for them. I am able to feel love, hate, pain, pleasure and every other emotion because of these things. While sometimes thinking about something can hurt my soul, or my soul may cause me to feel immeasurable pain or anger, I am given great comfort knowing that everything it feels or thinks is what makes me, me. These are the things that gives me all my abilities and works 24/7 or the thing that lets me experience life with emotion and feeling to the fullest capacity. For this, I am grateful.
Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
~ Reinhold Niebuhr
Happy thanksgiving all.... Hope you have plenty to be grateful for.
Wednesday, 14 September 2011
Day of improvisations....
So I made cupcakes today and they were supposed to be soft fluffy white cake with a beautiful rich mocha frosting.... I made the mistake of substituting brown for white sugar and using shortening in place of the butter. Needless to say, my cupcakes are beige-ish and have the texture of carrot cake... The icing was also a flop. I followed the instructions to the letter and the icing was so liquidy that I was forced to DIP my cupcakes into it. Needless to say I am not pleased with anything that is coming out of my oven today. Therefore, I have made the executive decision that the chicken for tonight will be cooked via crock pot.
In other news I am apparently going to a bar this friday, just wahoo's nothing fancy, and am having a bash thrown in honor of my 22 orbit around the sun. I believe the hubby is just planning something small, just a couple people over here to have some drinks and chill. I really wanted a Pinata but I sincerely doubt that will happen. I just wanted to get drunk and beat the living shit outta something that is social appropriate to beat. Oh well. At least I can get drunk, attempt to play warcraft with Cody and them engage in the highly dangerous sport of drunken baking! I am thinking I will start out with making something ridiculous like chocolate mousse served in an edible cup... Very fun. It involves balloons (which I pee myself everytime they pop) and something that makes it even more risky, molten chocolate!!!!! WOOOOOHOOOO
I am really thinking I need a new hobby. Baking gets expensive, painting gets messy and working out just failed miserably. Can't stand getting sweaty and flushed... too much work. Facecrack is getting exceptionally boring, and that's more of an addiction then a hobby. Iunno, I just feel like taking up a new activity could be beneficial =)
Will write more later, smoke time now!
In other news I am apparently going to a bar this friday, just wahoo's nothing fancy, and am having a bash thrown in honor of my 22 orbit around the sun. I believe the hubby is just planning something small, just a couple people over here to have some drinks and chill. I really wanted a Pinata but I sincerely doubt that will happen. I just wanted to get drunk and beat the living shit outta something that is social appropriate to beat. Oh well. At least I can get drunk, attempt to play warcraft with Cody and them engage in the highly dangerous sport of drunken baking! I am thinking I will start out with making something ridiculous like chocolate mousse served in an edible cup... Very fun. It involves balloons (which I pee myself everytime they pop) and something that makes it even more risky, molten chocolate!!!!! WOOOOOHOOOO
I am really thinking I need a new hobby. Baking gets expensive, painting gets messy and working out just failed miserably. Can't stand getting sweaty and flushed... too much work. Facecrack is getting exceptionally boring, and that's more of an addiction then a hobby. Iunno, I just feel like taking up a new activity could be beneficial =)
Will write more later, smoke time now!
Saturday, 10 September 2011
Blogging Around
Funny Quotes, LOL Quotes, Funny Quotes Graphics, Funny Sayings (clipped to polyvore.com)
Texting (clipped to polyvore.com)
seaweed brain ♥ (clipped to polyvore.com)
Funny Quotes, LOL Quotes, Funny Quotes Graphics, Funny Sayings (clipped to polyvore.com)
By Heidi! USEEE (clipped to polyvore.com)
(11) Tumblr (clipped to polyvore.com)
Wednesday, 7 September 2011
Update
You know, I always thought that being "drug free" and sober would suck, but now that I have surpassed my 1 year mark, I am truly finding a level of clarity in the world. Now I do want to point out that "sober" refers to anything that is not pot, mushrooms or booze. I cannot imagine how I lived through my addiction like I did; the only time I was happy was when I was rolling, tripping, high or tweaked. I look back on my life then and wonder how I even managed to function, what I looked like to other people. Then my friend showed me a movie called "Spun" as we watched it, I noticed some startling similarities between myself and one of the characters, and a even more upsetting correlation between her relationship and mine. I shook it off and kept watching, and not 5 minutes later my best friend looked at me laughing and said, "They remind me of you and your ex!" My heart sunk. I never knew I looked so pathetic and helpless, like someone spinning out of control and not even able to take care of themselves. I was a reject.
I think the only thing I held onto in that time was my family, the fact that my grandparents, my aunts, uncle, had stood there ground and refused to abandon me. Even after my mother had given up coming to my aid and had barred me from her life. I was still someone worth trying for in their eyes, something worth saving, and I am sure my mother felt the same way, she just couldn't cope with what I was doing to myself and my life.
After I got clean I didn't think I would ever want to talk about it with anyone. I was ashamed of what I had become, but the more I talked and felt like shit, the more I realized I need to talk. I needed the world to know how shitty I had felt, and that I had fixed myself. I wanted to be proud that I was able to do things for me without holding onto someone else. My body bares the scars of my addiction, but my heart has never been this free.
Whenever I feel judged or looked down on for those years I will tell that person, I beat bulimia, drug addiction and I fight (and win) a battle every day with depression and agoraphobia. I am strong, stronger than someone who can look down there nose at someone who has made mistakes. I can do anything I want and I will be who ever I want. My past is bygone and my future is splayed out in front of me, waiting for me to step into it.
I have no regrets.
I think the only thing I held onto in that time was my family, the fact that my grandparents, my aunts, uncle, had stood there ground and refused to abandon me. Even after my mother had given up coming to my aid and had barred me from her life. I was still someone worth trying for in their eyes, something worth saving, and I am sure my mother felt the same way, she just couldn't cope with what I was doing to myself and my life.
After I got clean I didn't think I would ever want to talk about it with anyone. I was ashamed of what I had become, but the more I talked and felt like shit, the more I realized I need to talk. I needed the world to know how shitty I had felt, and that I had fixed myself. I wanted to be proud that I was able to do things for me without holding onto someone else. My body bares the scars of my addiction, but my heart has never been this free.
Whenever I feel judged or looked down on for those years I will tell that person, I beat bulimia, drug addiction and I fight (and win) a battle every day with depression and agoraphobia. I am strong, stronger than someone who can look down there nose at someone who has made mistakes. I can do anything I want and I will be who ever I want. My past is bygone and my future is splayed out in front of me, waiting for me to step into it.
I have no regrets.
Tuesday, 6 September 2011
Birthday month!
So I will be 22 in a few days... I am beginning to feel pretty old. I am however beginning to feel wiser, not that it's always a good thing. I find myself feeling like I have taken a step beyond some of my friends and it's getting lonely this far ahead. Sometimes, it's as if I leave someone behind every year that I get old and like for every friend I leave in the distance, someone is doing the same for me. So many of my friends are getting married or moving towards getting their education finished and I have barely scratched the surface.
There seems like so much time ahead of me and plenty of years in my past. Often, I find myself wondering how I ever wished to be an adult. I miss highschool and all the shenanigans I got up to! (Not to mention the lack of bills, responsibility and rent!) I can't imagine anything better than going back to those days.
However there is plenty to look forward to. My next pay, regardless of what ever I want, I WILL be marching into Loyalist college and starting my criminal psychology course. If I don't I want someone to drag me in there kicking and screaming if needs be. I need to get started so that in January I can start my nursing program, apply for OSAP and get into school. I will achieve my dreams and become everything that I want.
For the longest time, I wanted to do what everyone else wanted me to, wanted to be the perfect daughter, niece, grandchild, but now I can see, quite clearly, that to do that I need to be me first. There is an obligation to oneself to grow and evolve before you think of others needs and wants.
There is a lot in my future that I need to work on, a lot of things I need to focus my attention to, but right now it is school. Keeping my eyes ahead and wearing blinders will do my no good, so I will have to learn to balance my attentions, but my main goal is within reach and once I stop over thinking it, I can reach out and take it.
In other news I would like to wish a Happy birthday to my beloved Uncle, who I am sure can't be any older than 25. And I would like him to know that he is more than just my uncle and mentor, he is my friend. That is something that can't magically happen, but something that is earned through mutual love, honesty and respect. I am glad he is there for me and I will try my best to be there for him. So to the avid reader of my blog, devils advocate at all the cottage debates and by far the funniest drunken wrestler I have ever met, here it to you!
There seems like so much time ahead of me and plenty of years in my past. Often, I find myself wondering how I ever wished to be an adult. I miss highschool and all the shenanigans I got up to! (Not to mention the lack of bills, responsibility and rent!) I can't imagine anything better than going back to those days.
However there is plenty to look forward to. My next pay, regardless of what ever I want, I WILL be marching into Loyalist college and starting my criminal psychology course. If I don't I want someone to drag me in there kicking and screaming if needs be. I need to get started so that in January I can start my nursing program, apply for OSAP and get into school. I will achieve my dreams and become everything that I want.
For the longest time, I wanted to do what everyone else wanted me to, wanted to be the perfect daughter, niece, grandchild, but now I can see, quite clearly, that to do that I need to be me first. There is an obligation to oneself to grow and evolve before you think of others needs and wants.
There is a lot in my future that I need to work on, a lot of things I need to focus my attention to, but right now it is school. Keeping my eyes ahead and wearing blinders will do my no good, so I will have to learn to balance my attentions, but my main goal is within reach and once I stop over thinking it, I can reach out and take it.
In other news I would like to wish a Happy birthday to my beloved Uncle, who I am sure can't be any older than 25. And I would like him to know that he is more than just my uncle and mentor, he is my friend. That is something that can't magically happen, but something that is earned through mutual love, honesty and respect. I am glad he is there for me and I will try my best to be there for him. So to the avid reader of my blog, devils advocate at all the cottage debates and by far the funniest drunken wrestler I have ever met, here it to you!
Friday, 5 August 2011
Missing time....
Here is the blog I did up while I was offline and off the grid for a few days =P
Sorry, it's been a while, but I've been a busy girl. Mostly trying to work on my relationship. It seems as though the harder I try to go through the motions of working through fights and annoyances we inflicted upon each other, the more we fight.
I have given him a one month deadline before I make a final decision. I am getting really upset, I just want to be able to come home and spend a day nearby my boyfriend and not end up in a screaming match. I love him, and I know he loves me, I just worry that we are just incompatible. Maybe love isn't enough for us. I have no objections to staying together if we can work it out, however, if we can't work it out, I look forward to being a single gal.
In other news, I attended my best friends wedding reception. It was dancing, smoking and eating. I spent most of my night sitting silently contemplating. It almost felt like I was watching my best friend get farther and farther away. I almost broke down and cried.... I know he has been married for a while, but that was so sudden. As I sat listening to his speech, him telling his new wife how much he loved her, it all sank in. Don't get me wrong, his wife is amazing, she is smart, funny, pretty and she is competely right for him. You couldn't ask for a more perfect couple. They laugh together and she makes him smile, and of course I am happy for them. I just am so used to being the woman in his life. I used to make him laugh, I used to spend all my time talking to him, and now I worry that I won't have him there when I need him.
Paranoid, I know. However, I know how relationships can.... Oh, what's the word.... infringe... on friendships. I am not willing to let go of Bryan completely, he is MY best friend after all, however, I am going to give over my usual spotlight.
In other news, I am super pissed off at Ky. I have never met a more selfish person. She has treated me like something that can be used to suit her purposes. I went over and cleaned her house whenever she wanted to "hangout." Hell, there were even fucking times when I cleaned her mother's house. Whenever she needed help with anything, I was there. I helped her pack up and move from trenton to belleville. I paid extra for my hair supplies so she could use the leftovers on other people. I even used to wait ridiculous amounts of time for her to do my hair and even helped her do other peoples colour and washes while she waited.
She had the nerve to try to tell my boyfriend that I was being the bitch. Well, I am sorry that I was so helpful and that I got sick and fucking tired of being your puppet. I didn't want to be her tool for pleasing mummy anymore so I moved on. Apparently that made her decide to freak out. She accused me of only being her friend for rides.... Funny part is, that she only gave me rides to places she wanted to go. (ie. cottage, her mom's house, grocery store.) I am maddeningly frustrated that she is being so rude and unapologetic. She bitched out on helping me out with my move, and spent the day ignoring all my texts and bbm's. I hate that she would blow me off like that and the fact that she could even go that far to hurt me. As if it wasn't good enough for her to get off scott free using me, she had to ignore the one time I ask her for help.
Worst part is that not a month before hand she was giving me backlash over my decision to take Marra back into my life and rekindle our friendship. She told me that she was mad at how badly Marra treated me and how I would just end up with a knife in my back. I couldn't help but wonder at the time if she was right, if I was doing the wrong thing. I mean if someone who claimed to be one of my bestfriends, was telling me that I was making a huge mistake and that they didn't want me to be hurt again. Then I realized that the only reason she was so mad is because she wouldn't be able to have my undivide attention and thusly, wouldn't be able to have me do her bidding.
I am bored to death. I have exhausted all my options as far as entertainment. I am home with heat stroke. I went to the beach yesterday and got my tan on. We also spent hours in the water. I have a gorgeous brown tan though, it was a very very bad burn yesterday though. I even made some very tastey brownies =D They were delicious and even had a proper glaze on them ^.^ I was so proud of myself for making them.
Oh and in other news, I quit the boathouse and went back to stream, I am in streamline as of now and will hopefully be working towards hitting TCO within 3 months or Lazyjet..... either way they offer me a chance to work week days and to do something different ^.^
That's all for now! Cheers!
Sorry, it's been a while, but I've been a busy girl. Mostly trying to work on my relationship. It seems as though the harder I try to go through the motions of working through fights and annoyances we inflicted upon each other, the more we fight.
I have given him a one month deadline before I make a final decision. I am getting really upset, I just want to be able to come home and spend a day nearby my boyfriend and not end up in a screaming match. I love him, and I know he loves me, I just worry that we are just incompatible. Maybe love isn't enough for us. I have no objections to staying together if we can work it out, however, if we can't work it out, I look forward to being a single gal.
In other news, I attended my best friends wedding reception. It was dancing, smoking and eating. I spent most of my night sitting silently contemplating. It almost felt like I was watching my best friend get farther and farther away. I almost broke down and cried.... I know he has been married for a while, but that was so sudden. As I sat listening to his speech, him telling his new wife how much he loved her, it all sank in. Don't get me wrong, his wife is amazing, she is smart, funny, pretty and she is competely right for him. You couldn't ask for a more perfect couple. They laugh together and she makes him smile, and of course I am happy for them. I just am so used to being the woman in his life. I used to make him laugh, I used to spend all my time talking to him, and now I worry that I won't have him there when I need him.
Paranoid, I know. However, I know how relationships can.... Oh, what's the word.... infringe... on friendships. I am not willing to let go of Bryan completely, he is MY best friend after all, however, I am going to give over my usual spotlight.
In other news, I am super pissed off at Ky. I have never met a more selfish person. She has treated me like something that can be used to suit her purposes. I went over and cleaned her house whenever she wanted to "hangout." Hell, there were even fucking times when I cleaned her mother's house. Whenever she needed help with anything, I was there. I helped her pack up and move from trenton to belleville. I paid extra for my hair supplies so she could use the leftovers on other people. I even used to wait ridiculous amounts of time for her to do my hair and even helped her do other peoples colour and washes while she waited.
She had the nerve to try to tell my boyfriend that I was being the bitch. Well, I am sorry that I was so helpful and that I got sick and fucking tired of being your puppet. I didn't want to be her tool for pleasing mummy anymore so I moved on. Apparently that made her decide to freak out. She accused me of only being her friend for rides.... Funny part is, that she only gave me rides to places she wanted to go. (ie. cottage, her mom's house, grocery store.) I am maddeningly frustrated that she is being so rude and unapologetic. She bitched out on helping me out with my move, and spent the day ignoring all my texts and bbm's. I hate that she would blow me off like that and the fact that she could even go that far to hurt me. As if it wasn't good enough for her to get off scott free using me, she had to ignore the one time I ask her for help.
Worst part is that not a month before hand she was giving me backlash over my decision to take Marra back into my life and rekindle our friendship. She told me that she was mad at how badly Marra treated me and how I would just end up with a knife in my back. I couldn't help but wonder at the time if she was right, if I was doing the wrong thing. I mean if someone who claimed to be one of my bestfriends, was telling me that I was making a huge mistake and that they didn't want me to be hurt again. Then I realized that the only reason she was so mad is because she wouldn't be able to have my undivide attention and thusly, wouldn't be able to have me do her bidding.
I am bored to death. I have exhausted all my options as far as entertainment. I am home with heat stroke. I went to the beach yesterday and got my tan on. We also spent hours in the water. I have a gorgeous brown tan though, it was a very very bad burn yesterday though. I even made some very tastey brownies =D They were delicious and even had a proper glaze on them ^.^ I was so proud of myself for making them.
Oh and in other news, I quit the boathouse and went back to stream, I am in streamline as of now and will hopefully be working towards hitting TCO within 3 months or Lazyjet..... either way they offer me a chance to work week days and to do something different ^.^
That's all for now! Cheers!
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