Ugh

I have never wanted to say fuck it, I give up on this place, this relationship and this love more than today. I am feeling frustrated, beaten down and tired. I can't even put into words how much I am feeling because it is all just a complete rush of emotion that is leaving me drained.

For starters I am feeling alone. It is like my boyfriend and I have become roomates who don't really give a crap about each other. We see each other every morning, and barely say 2 words. At night he is too busy playing his stupid video game to bother looking at me or he is passed out on the couch. During the day, he is to busy talking to everything else with boobs to look my way even once. I couldn't even tell him that I am ranked first on our team, our product line and second on site because he was too busy being pissy. My accomplishments mean nothing to this man.

Not to mention the fact that I am not allow to have an individual thought in my head. I got called whiny and bitchy this morning because I told him I was busy getting dressed when he wanted me to find him socks to wear and the 2 pairs I did get him weren't good enough, he want specific fucking colour! Like I was some kind of servant girl. And then I get called lazy because I would rather not walk to work... not like I have a crippling anxiety disorder that is based on the fear of large open spaces, like the outdoors, or anything. I could just slap the living shit out of him, and I wish I could. I might actually feel better.

Then he can't even make up his stupid mind as to whether he wants me here or not. Like I am just someone who he is flippant about. Not as though I actually fucking matter, but I'm goddamned optional. Like a second fucking cupholder in a car or the desicion between a swiss latte or mocha latte. Talk about feeling unimportant. Almost makes me want to drown myself in front of him just to see if the man would decide if I was worth getting his clothes wet for.

I am just so aggravated with the whole situation... although I am surprisingly calm for someone who is feeling so picked on. I mean I am aware that I have more than most, but I would willing trade it all not to feel like a shitty person every day of my life. I wake up feeling rotten and go to bed in a state of self loathing. This can't be all there is for me, I can't live my life in an ordinary setting, as an unhappy lifetime girlfriend who can't have kids and hasn't had sex in years. That just isn't fair. I know I can do more and be more and I feel so trade and shackled. I don't want to leave but I can't live this way...

I need a plan... a way out or a way back in... I can't do this anymore. Being unhappy is killing me.