Sunday, 3 April 2011


I can't imagine a more peaceful place than this apartment, the night after a fight. Whenever we fight, everything is so loud, angry and turbulent that I feel like nothing will ever be peaceful again. Like someone who had there life ruin by an act of God or a war might feel unstable and insecure. It's almost as though there is a tornado rushing through my life, swirling around me, like the fury of a thousand storms. The next morning however, all is quiet and peaceful but still distant and cold. Imagine being in the arctic circle... No one there, except you. It's THAT kind of quite, that kind of alone feeling. In some ways however it's nice to be able to collect yourself and move on without being prodded with unsolicited apologies for what we both did.
Honestly, I hate apologizing. Sincerely, truly, unimaginably hate it. With every fiber of my being. Simply because, I'm not really sorry for what I screamed about and I don't regret saying those terrible things. Deep down, I meant them. Although we would love to believe we are perfect, we aren't, and I see nothing wrong with verbalizing those flaws and making them tangible. You can't possibly know something needs improvement if you have never been told so. Somewhere within my subconscious I suppose we are all aware of our own imperfections, but until they are forced to the surface, we will never confront them. People just make up lies to fool there own mind into bending the truths it knows and to cover up there true nature. It's a mechanism we all have to ensure we are accepted within our society. What I find truly amazing are the people that don't feel the need to have these lies around them like a safety blanket. These people are often least liked in social circles and shunned by society as pessimistic sociopaths, but in reality they are simply honest.
If you haven't become aware by now this is a rant that leads no where. I find this type of thing is helpful in relaxing my mind and preparing myself to deal with daily annoyances. If people wrote everything down, in brutal honest detail, we would have a much clearer understanding of everyone's needs. Some, however, don't communicate well and prefer not to discuss there innermost thoughts. Unlike them, I do enjoy typing out my feelings until my fingers bleed and screaming 'til my lungs give out. My mother taught me that. Venting the massive amount of emotion I feel daily is probably the only thing keeping me from murder or suicide. I haven't decided which as of yet. Even joy when undiluted, causes mental anguish. Sometimes I think that my brain isn't wired to handle emotion, period. Like learning how to walk on an artificial limb, it feels strange and disconnected even when taking the most tentative of steps.
Something else that I feel everyone should know about me is I'm not like my comrades of similar ages, I tend to have a more childlike outlook on my life. I find amusement in small things and be content talking to myself for hours. It's like I could never grow up, even if I wanted to. (Although I feel no need to do so.) There is nothing that makes me happier than brushing off responsibility for a day and being playful. There is also nothing in my life that makes me feel the need to play video games, or anything else related to computer simulated adventures. There has been a surplus of real life adventures in my life already.
To be frank, there is simply no desire to see if anyone will read this, and I do have things to do today. With that thought in mind, I will adjourn this babbling rant.

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