Friday, 21 October 2011

Today... it's not so good

I was woken up to recieve some pretty bad news. My grandmother, who I was supposed to go and visit this weekend, has passed away.

She died early this morning from cancer. I knew it was coming, but I didn't expect it so soon. Last night however I got the same sinking feeling that I've always gotten before someone passes away and I hoped it was just a feeling and that it would pass. Once again it was right on the money. I seem to have found myself a little stuck now, I don't want to cry or feel or anything, and that is making me numb. Unfortunately, the numbness is only making things worse... I feel like a cold angry teenager again who doesn't understand death and has no idea how to react to it.

I have also come to the realization that while I will miss my Gramma Jim sorely and that I am going to feel the sharp pain of loss, she was also very sick. She had cancer and they were going to have to put her through painful treatments to keep her here. She must have decided that 80 some odd years on this earth with people she loved was enough. I can't argue that. It's a very long time, and if you have lived that long and lived well enough, the suffering through a few more months just isn't worth it.

The other problem I am having is that I desperately want to phone my father, I want to hug him and have someone to cry with. But I don't know what to say. I have thought for hours now about what I could say, but I just, I don't know. How can you have a conversation about something this big? I don't talk about anything big with my family. Not the drugs, not the miscarriage, not anything related to death. I must get that from my mother. She is always like a robot when it comes to handling death or big things like that. I prefer just to write it down and get it all out of my system.

So if someone asks me how I am or if I am okay, I have been saying yes. The truth is however, that I'm not. I am sad and angry and hurt. I feel like I want to rip everything to pieces (Thus the whole turning myself into a robot... it's for everyone's safety.) I am angry that I didn't go down on thanksgiving because I wanted to spend time with my other Grandparents and my Moms family. I am even more angry with whatever omnipotent being is supposed to control these things. I only had to wait one more day before I could go and see her and someone decided she had to go now. I want to scream "why?" until the person who made that decision hears me and gives her back. I just wanted to say goodbye. I am also scared. I am scared that everyone on my fathers side will think I am a terrible person because I haven't seen her in so long. I don't know how to explain to them why I didn't. How do you look your family in the eye and say I was too fucked up to think about it. I didn't want to stumble into my Gramma's home and act like a dipshit because I was high or drunk. And every time an opportunity arose to visit and I wasn't messed up, I was somewhere else, or I had made other plans. I feel like I am going to be ostracized at the wake and the funeral. I am terrified to put it plainly.

Anyways... I am going to zone out for a bit, maybe drink a little. After all, it's 5 O'clock somewhere.

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